But all that's really besides the point. My real agenda here is making fun of the site that hosted the above URL: the Heartland Institute. Everyone knows there's a mass media narrative in America about coastal big city urban elites thumbing their effete, snobbish, latte-dipped noses at those real Americans living in places like, uh, well, it doesn't really matter where they live. Needless to say, real Americans are too pure and wholesome to live in big cities, even if big cities are possibly the economic engines paying for bridges and signs in real America. They also don't live in rural places like Vermont and western Massachusetts, which are full of hippies and bourgeois types who tolerate America-destroying forces like immigration and ethnic diversity. Basically, real Americans don't live in the states where the United States was born, places like Massachusetts and Pennsylvania, regardless of what those crybabies at fuckthesouth.com say. Indeed, real Americans live in the Midwest, which wasn't even made up of states in 1791, and the deep South, which supported American independence rather grudgingly if the musical 1776 is to be believed (and it probably is). Such jokes seem dated now, now that Barack Obama was elected and fixed the whole world, but the legendary Jesusland map kind of says it all.
There's a religious aspect to this. Having internalized the above, which resulted in gaining a justified sense of moral superiority over the rest of humanity, The Heartland Institute found something missing: idols (e.g., saints or ikons — something to give a sensual meaning to the existence of the earthly truth). Any new religion inevitably finds itself looking to the past to seek out paragons of virtue because we inevitably don't remember the flaws of our historical and mythological leaders. Who remembers that Heracles and Moses were both murderers? Who remembers that Thomas Jefferson kept slaves? Who remembers that Ayn Rand was a truculent, fascistic, sniveling twat?
However, picking idols is no easy task. Not just anyone can be chosen. American Christians often find Jesus to be a poor idol indeed because he really doesn't live up to many of the beliefs they hold most dear. Thankfully, the Heartlandites have other choices. Theirs is an ideology very much the opposite of Jesus's ideology. Flawed as Jesus the man might have been, and we really don't know how flawed he was because of our scant records, Jesus of the Gospels favored the weak over the strong, the poor over the rich, and the sinner of the saint — if Christian theology has any elegance, it's that occasional point that maybe it's the fallen who need grace most of all. But Real Americans will have none of that crap. The Heartlandites are for markets, guns, property. More earthly models had to be chosen, ones that fit Real American preconceptions about themselves
To that end, the Heartlandites created an animated banner at the top of their web site to alternate through their idols.
This lead to some curious choices, many of whom have little or nothing to do with each other:
- John Locke —moral and political philosopher; proto-liberal who favored limits on monarchical power
- Market activities: sold future generations on charlatan contractarian philosophy, which echoes down to this day in the works of writers like John Rawls
- Crispus Attucks — actually, nobody really knows anything about him, except that he died in the Boston Massacre and might have had dark skin
- Benjamin Franklin — American inventor and politician (Americans get mocked for lack of civil knowledge of other cultures, but Americans who travel abroad frequently find Europeans telling them that Benny was America's best president); born in puritanical Boston, migrated to Philadelphia, where he spent a life rich in intellectual pursuits
- Market activities: freely initiated the exchange of money for sex
- Thomas Paine — anti-authoritarian liberal writer, active in both the United States War for Independence and the French Revolution; anti-slavery and arguably pro-gender equality
- Market activities: wrote stuff, TLDR
- Thomas Jefferson — wrote the Declaration of Independence, which was fine-tuned by Franklin; third President of the United States who favored anti-mercantile policies and distrusted financial markets
- Market activities: monopolized the loins of at least one slave for a fixed period of time, no doubt in a mutually beneficial exchange of services; as President, purchased a lot of rather marginally useful land from the French, who had only recently stolen it back from the Spanish
- James Madison — wrote some early American political propaganda; fourth President of the United States
- Booker T. Washington — token black man (in case Crispus doesn't cover all the bases)
- Market activities: credited with being the first inventive black man in American history (Benjamin Bannecker is forgotten)
- Ayn Rand — Russian fascist
- Market activities: author of some really crappy books
- Milton Friedman —right-wing liberal economist